If only

Beppu, September 3rd, 2010

I've been spending the last three days back here in Beppu,
where most of the people are not around, where you got exactly nothing to be done,
and we still have 3 weeks left of the summer vacation.

I flew off along the way back here to Japan, bought a new ticket,
leaving my beloved back in Indonesia
for the sake of the scholarship interview, that I apparently couldn't pass.

Today, I've just realized why I couldn't get it.
My 2 competitors there confidently, exactly know what they wanna do, and so sure of what they are doing.

I don't.

I don't even know what I'm interested in, what I really wanna be, what my passion is all about.

Looking at the calender, laughing to myself.
it's 2010.
I'm now standing by the edge of my teenagers life, will be 20 in the next three months,
without knowing what my passion is all about
pathetic, I know.

I'd been spending most of this teenage life by being so anxious about
my so-called teenage-love-life.

I'd spent almost 5 years talking to the same guy,
been really busy with those text messages, midnight calls, laughter, fights,
cheesy jealousy, the excitement of Saturday night
and the cries whenever we broke up.
whom I later realize that he was not so into me.

He was the only thing I care about,
or I guess so despite of finding what my passion really is.

and are we still together now?
No.

and do this 6 years thingy eventually come up to nothing?
Neither.

I do not regret spending such long time,
I still have a crystal clear remembrance of those times,
at least I'm stronger now
and every single thing in those 5 years made every good in me.

It's not the matter of how much time wasted,
But the way I spend time is the only thing that matters,
from now on.

If only, I could spend those 5 years wisely,
I'd be a lot happier.
I'm sure.

and, by the way,
any idea where to find my passion?